I keep trashing every blog I begin tonight. I don’t know what it is. Nothing sounds right, nothing is flowing properly, and I’ve backspaced the end of this sentence a solid five times already trying to come up with a third sentence closer. Why do I need a third anyway? I feel like I learned that in grammar school…if you’re writing an essay always have three ideas to touch on such as, “this, this and the other thing.” Whatever, this isn’t an essay. I’m writing a blog for the sake of writing a blog right now…and I know you guys have heard my “forced writing is bad writing” line before, so I’ll save it.
Lately, I’ve been turning to my dreams as my artistic inspiration. The things I’ve written, the things I’ve shot, and the things I plan to shoot were and are all memories of thoughts that sped through my unconscious mind as I slept. Dreams that I can’t get out of my head. They’re imprinted there, stuck, as if they’re supposed to be there.
Remember our dancer friend from Language? If not, go check it out…I’ll wait here…Okay, great. Now that we’re all caught up, she began as a daydream and has followed me day in and day out, while I’m awake, while I sleep, my mind’s creative representation of what I long for. These dreams, sometimes so real I wake to a bitter disappointment that everything happened in my head.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to make it all real.
As always, I’m RJ and hey, a girl can dream right…?
Why is it that the days you wake up most tired, have the most to do, with no nap in between, and wind up staying up the latest, you’re not tired at night; but then you wake up the next morning and are unable to function and the cycle begins again? I am so ridiculously awake right now, but wild horses could not drag me out of bed this morning, and if I know myself as well as I claim to, this will be my problem tomorrow as well. Why is that? Did my body and brain just adjust to being awake and now that they are, they don’t want to sleep? I feel like I am reverting back to my childhood. The days where I would make up any excuse not to go to sleep. I would fight sleep. I would hop out of bed to get a drink of water; get up and say “I never kissed mommy goodnight.” I would do everything short of whipping out a sword Peter Pan style and literally fighting sleep – and I mean, trust me, if I could have made that happen, I would have. But in the end, sleep always won out. It still does. Except now I don’t mind because I love sleep. Well, save right now of course…
So what is it about kids that makes them want to fight sleep so badly? Sleep and dreams are my two favorite concepts about which to learn. I sit in class in my sleep deprived state wishing that I could be napping, wondering why kids these days fight off nap time, often to the dismay of babysitters everywhere. I constantly think about how I wish I had racked up the hours of sleep back in the day, because I feel I never get it anymore, and how if I were a baby all I would do is sleep. It’s almost as if kids have something to prove, no? As if to say that they’re cool for not needing a nap and staying up past their bed time. When I had a bed time, I know I thought I was the coolest thing going when I was up ten, twenty, thirty minutes past EIGHT. Now I’m in college and I’m probably more of a child than ever before. I curl up with a blanket and I take naps with my stuffed animal giraffe and I think that’s okay. It’s perfectly acceptable, and kind of cool too. So why didn’t I think it was cool when I was five?
All I know is, college has taken my sleep schedule, crumpled it into a tiny little ball, and thrown it out a ten story window. College laughs in the face of my former sleep schedule. College is causing me to sleep less, and drink caffeine more. But don’t worry, I never drink coffee before nap time…because that would just be stupid.
Crack open a Red Bull, kids, it’s going to be a long one. Love always, RJ.